Baptismony

To update this blog, I figured it'd be worth posting my baptism testimony. This is my original version, almost twice as long as the one I actually read. I figured that most people would tldr after 100 words, so it wouldn't change much to post the longer one. Hope you enjoy anyways
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I was in hysterics. I was 12-years old and my parents were peacefully driving down to Chinatown. All I cared about was the paper in front of me; I couldn’t believe what it said. Its meaning was awful, and I couldn’t bear to look at it anymore. Tears welled up in my eyes, but I kept staring at the paper, hoping that it would say something else. Soon, I had to face the harsh reality; I didn’t get a 700 on my SAT math score.

This is the way that I once lived and, to some extent, the way that I still live now. It’s a hideous scene once you look deeper. On the outside, people may see me as a studious boy with a big head, a work ethic, and an unhealthy interest in math. However, situations like this truly highlight what my life was like. On the inside, my attitude was not simply striving for excellence, or seeking to do well. It was a near obsession with my academic performance, my accomplishments, and my sense of perfection.

I’ve grown up in a Christian family and we’ve always been involved in the church somehow. But Christianity was something that was marginalized in my life, whether I truly realized it or not. Yes, I attended church weekly, but I never felt committed to Christ. I never understood what it meant to be a Christian. Yes, I had my experiences at retreats or conferences that brought me closer to Christ, but those emotions soon faded away. I put my faith in the back seat, as I had more “worthwhile” things.

This couldn’t be a problem. It was how I lived the past sixteen years of my life, and I saw no reason to change it. In fact, this brought me a lot of distinction and approval among my friends, my peers, my family and other adults. Soon, I realized how useful this mindset was. I joined track in eighth grade and at the end of sophomore year, I got my Varsity Letter. Around that time, I qualified for the AIME, a mathematics test only given the top 1% of math students nation-wide. Life was good.

Around this time, my atheist friends started influencing me. Many of them were smart, accomplished students and could articulate their thoughts well. They told me seemingly inconsistent facts about Christianity. For example, how could a loving God send people to hell? How could he condone slavery and rape? Furthermore, I realized that these friends were perfectly fine without a God. They didn’t need to go to church weekly, yet they were able to achieve just as much, if not more than what I had. As time passed and as I filled my head with atheist philosophy, my faith felt unfounded and unnecessary. Christianity seemed to be a lot of wishful thinking. How could I believe in something that left no scientific evidence? Why did I need this crutch? I ended my sophomore year at the top of my class. Surely I didn’t need a God. I relinquished my theistic beliefs, deciding that there were no logical reasons to keep them.

What drove me was the illusion that I could be spiritually independent. Junior year might be the hardest year of high school, even though I’m sure most seniors strongly disagree with that, but I was able to pull through it, with marks that I was satisfied with. And, frankly, without that God to pray to, I didn’t see any changes in my life. I didn’t suddenly become corrupt or evil. I was nice to my friends and respectful to my family. I didn’t lie, I didn’t cheat, and I didn’t get caught murdering anyone. It was simply a change in attitude; a change that stimulated me to do more, achieve more and to strive for more excellence. My prior faith seemed like something that inhibited my progress, and now that it was gone, I could reach my full potential.

For most of high school, I spent time after school practicing for track. My junior season was coming up and I wanted to perform well. If I had a good season, I might even get noticed by colleges. I had high goals set and felt that my efforts would give me the ability to achieve them. Unexpectedly, I strained my hamstring during that time and was out for the entire season.

This was a catalyst for my return to Christ. Though it certainly wasn’t first failure, it was one of the first areas where I had no control over the situation. I couldn’t look towards myself to solve my problems. Despite all my efforts and preparations, I simply couldn’t accomplish what I set out to do. This was deeply upsetting and very humbling. I turned this experience towards other occurrences in my life. At the time, many of my senior friends were being rejected from elite colleges that I felt they were qualified for. Also, my dad was unemployed despite his long hours of studying and resume-building. I was bound to encounter these challenges eventually, and it seemed silly that I still believed that I could solve everything.

As God intervened in my life, I felt that my fundamental reasons against him were still abstract and theoretical. I began to read more Christian literature and sought to learn more. In Sunday schools during my junior year and even still now, I learned that Christianity is a real and objective truth. It’s not just built on heart-warming testimonies or Sunday-night spiritual highs. It’s concrete and reliable. I learned how to address the problem of evil, I learned how evolution coexists with and complements creation, I learned how the objective foundations of morality point towards a higher being, and I learned how the Big Bang Theory actually provides more evidence for the existence of God than against it.

I couldn’t counter these arguments. These were very reasonable arguments presented by very intelligent people, like C.S. Lewis and Francis Collins. I can’t say it was a revelation, but I began to realize the necessity of Christian faith. God, and not my intellect, was the only thing I could turn to as my source of strength and identity. It was the only logical choice.

This senior year has been a period of intense spiritual growth, especially with the difficult college begging process and the escalated stresses of high school. Spiritually, I’ve continued to learn more about Christ. In fact, only by opening my prior beliefs to peer criticism and honest opposition was I able to approach some semblance of truth. Through this process, Christ provided a way to reconcile my intelligence with my faith, and I’ve been able to develop a more intimate relationship with him.

I don’t expect my baptism here to be an end all to my walk in Christ. I expect it difficulties to come. But, I’ve decided that He is worth it and that I should pick up my cross and follow him.